ScreamTV

What is the “B- Movie Beer Review” you say?

It’s when I dig deep into my closet, filled with crappy horror movies, dust one off, and watch it while I drink.  Simple enough right?  Then I’ll let you know how much alcohol it takes to enjoy whatever gem I happen to muddle through.       Enjoy!

Murder Set Pieces

So, I was scanning the isles of my local music/book/movie store on Friday and something caught my eye.  It was this smokin’ hot chick in a bikini top, short shorts and flip flops, you know, the really thick kind that are somehow more sexy that just regular flip flops.  I should have left the store then knowing nothing in the store would top that, but since I didn’t I ended up buying the inspiration for my next review: “Murder Set Pieces”.

I got it really for one reason only, for the gore.  According to the jacket, Hustler Magazine called this movie “the most graphic horror film ever committed to celluloid”.  I figured if Hustler says it’s gory well it’s gotta be good.  “Nothing shocks those guys”, I figured. So I bought it, picked up some beer at the liquor store and got ready for my evening.

Okay. Hmmm.  Where to start?  Alright, start with 5 beers, and the name of this movie: “Murder Set Pieces”.  The only thing more strange and mysterious than the name is the plot, or perhaps I should say the lack of one but here’s how it went:

This big sweaty German guy is a photographer who seems to have some sort of a connection with Nazi Germany, either his grandfather or somebody in his family was a big shot Nazi.  This never really enters in to the “plot” but it comes up a lot for no particular reason. Anyway he sets up photo shoots with various Vegas type sluts at his house and then kills them.  Just does.  No reason, or at least no reason we’re aware of.  The End.  Alright, there’s a little more to it than that but that’s the gist of it.

He has a girlfriend who he just met and she has a little sister who is the only one who seems to figure out that this guy is not “all there”.  Incidentally, the girl who I’d guess was about 12, gives the best performance of the film, this includes Tony Todd of “Candyman” fame.  Todd plays an adult bookstore owner who gets all upset when our man, played by Sven Garrett, asks him for a snuff film. I’m still trying to figure out what this scene had to do with the movie, unless it was to show that the photographer was a freak, and I think we pretty much had that figured in the first ten minutes of the film, but whatever.  This is the last we see of Todd.  So he kills some more chicks, the little girl is still trying to convince her sis that his guy is bad news, and of course no one believes her.  I must have gone to the bathroom or fell asleep or something because I’m not sure what happened but, the girl ends up at this guys house downstairs in the “killing room”.  She runs out of the house, cut to interior of a bus.  So, SPOILER BE DAMNED!  Our boy makes it out of Vegas, strikes up a BRIEF conversation with Cerina Vincent from “It Waits” and “Cabin Fever”. The End.

WHEW!  What a ride!  Ok it wasn’t so bad but it wasn’t as gory as they said it would be, lots of blood splatter but that’s about it, and there was some good nudity (hey, it’s Vegas, of course there’s nudity).  But again, that whole plot thing just wasn’t really there for me.

Final count:

5 pre-movie beers

5 during show beers

Vampyros Lesbos

How can you go wrong with a movie called “Vampyros Lesbos”?  Easily apparently.  Directed by Jess Franco, this 1971 flick barely tips the fear factor scale or the libido scale for that matter. Fortunately, I had 3 pre-movie beers which was a great deal of help while sitting through the films excruciating opening soft-core lesbo scene. *Yawn*

This is a German film with English sub-titles.  This helps you stay awake while trying to figure out what it going on, but after all that’s said and done, you still don’t know what’s going on even if you read every one of those damn sub-titles (which I did not).  What I did figure out was “Linda”, an attorney, goes to Istanbul to help out “Countess Blah Blah Blah” with her estate.  They have a little daytime skinny dipping (I thought this was a no-no for vampires) and some lame lesbo encounters, then I made a sandwich so I don’t know what happened after that.  I dropped my knife and I got mayonnaise all over the floor and since it was sub-titled I couldn’t understand what was going on while I was cleaning it up.  When I sat back down, Linda’s boyfriend “Bad Porno Moustache Guy” (not his real name) had come to Istanbul to look for her.  He went to a nut-house for some reason and there was some crazy chick there, still not sure what her deal was.  Then crazy chick kills herself, then the Countess kills herself and I think Linda does too, I’m not sure.  By now I had finished my 4^th Tall Boy beer.  I do remember thinking at this point “Hey this movie isn’t that bad.” I must have been pretty buzzed.

Beer movie rating:

3-12oz pre-movie beers

4-16oz during show beers

The Bel Air Bitch Project

After much consideration, I decided to watch “The Bel Air Bitch Project” for this week’s review.  I figured it probably had some nudity and would be loosely based on the “The Blair Witch Project” which it did and was…sort of.  But instead of being the mildly scary off-shoot of the aforementioned film, it was more like the drunken rants of a middle aged coked up stripper. This “docudrama” follows a woman around town and other various places as she seduces men and convinces them to have sex with her…almost.  This is where the “bitch” part of the movie comes in.  She basically teases them into a boner frenzy and then kicks them out the door.  Sometimes she does have sex, but only until she gets hers, after which she promptly leaves or again, kicks the guy out.  The only thing remotely scary about this film is the horrible boob-job scar she has on her right jug.  She does do an amazing job of concealing the massacre of her gazonga but from time to time we do get a peak at the monstrosity which used to be, I’m sure, a perfectly normal sagging titty.

I started this film with five pre-movie beers and by half time I was up to eight.  I should have had more but I think I didn’t eat very much that night and the beers were being good to me so I was slowing down considerably.  Anyway, what’s-her-name has an ongoing flirt fest with the cameraman who continuously goads her into doing naked tricks for the camera while she tries to keep from falling on her ass after doing of what I’m guessing must have been an excess of drugs/alcohol.  The plot thickens as an anonymous stranger suddenly appears in her house and we are asked to leave and come back later, only to discover she has been murdered!  Oops…Did I spoil it for you?  You’re lucky.  Now you don’t have to sit through it.  Then there’s a lame attempt to make it seem like an actual on going murder case, their only evidence: a videotape of the murder from the camera which luckily had been left on but unfortunately it was at just the right angle as to not see the murder’s face. Damn!  Who could be?  One of the five guys she cock-teased into blind rage?  Or perhaps her landlord trying to collect his long overdue rent she doesn’t have because she spent it all on drugs and alcohol!…but I digress.  To protect the “not so innocent” I won’t divulge the director or “actress’s” name from this film.  If you really want them I suppose you can look them up on IMDB, but I doubt even they would have a listing for this, this, whatever it is.  Overall though you should see it, just to see her boob scar.  It really is pretty bad.

Beer Review Rating:

5-pre-movie beers

5-during movie beers (on an empty stomach)

Gory Gory Hallelujah

“Wonderful! Stupendous! A magical piece of cinematic brilliance!”, is what I might say if this movie wasn’t such a piece of crap. Hmmm…Where do I begin?  First of all, it’s a musical.  I know, ‘nuff said, right? But believe me it gets worse.  This “movie” starts off with four actors, three guys and woman, auditioning for the role of Jesus in what would appear to be a knock off of “Jesus Christ Superstar” when they all fall flat, they get the bright idea to head to the Big Apple to try and make it there as actors.  Why they would try to make it big in New York City when they can’t even make it in whatever town they were supposed to be in is beyond me.  Anywho,  on their  way out to NY , they get sidetracked and one of the male actors ends up in the restroom of a seedy gas station with the local deputy and proceeds to get himself into a “homosexual situation”.  When the deputy’s advances are refused (which shocked me, I thought the guy was a fruitcake) he and the sheriff arrest them all under some sort of immoral conduct code thing the town has.  Then I fell asleep.  When I woke up, the four had been tried and placed in some sort of custody of the locals, each person placed with a different local(s).  The good thing about this is that there was a secret coven of men hating witches that the woman actor was placed with, so there was a bit of lesbo-action and some nudity which I’m glad I was awake for, but it was short lived and then the movie sucked again.  Did mention this was a comedy?  This movie was a “comedy”.  I fell asleep again, probably from laughing so hard- please note the sarcasm.  When I woke up again, the townspeople had turned into zombies from some sort of apocalyptic curse or contagion or something.  I have to say some of the gore FX weren’t so bad, but the zombie make-up was in a word-pathetic.   So they all get bitten/eaten except for the woman (who by the way wrote this little gem) and she apparently lives happily ever after with the zombie people of Jacksville?  I think it was Jacksville.  So there ya have it.  I just can’t say enough about this movie, mainly because there aren’t enough negative adjectives in the English language.

Beer Review Rating:

5 Tequilla shooters

12 Beers

5- Post show Tequilla shooters (you don’t want to remember this movie…Do you?)